HOW CO-WORKERS CAN HELP By Dalice Snider Lovingly lifted from the Helping Hands Newsletter, HAND of Santa Clara Returning to work after the death of a child can be a great source of anxiety to bereaved parents. Who knows about my loss? How will my co-workers treat me? What will they say to me? What am I comfortable telling them about my loss? Will they understand what I am going through? Will I be able to do my job? What if I cry at work? These are questions that may be running through the minds of parents who are anticipating returning to work. Co-workers, in a sense, are a group of people parallel to one's own family and friends. Some are supportive and can do and say the right thing at the right time. Some may not know what to say and will avoid the bereaved parent or the subject of his or her loss. Others may not understand at all and say things that seem cruel. Understanding the grief process is helpful in being a supportive co-worker. The death of a child and early pregnancy loss can be equally or more devastating to families than the loss of someone who has lived a long life. The shock phase of grief begins within the first days and weeks of the loss. Co-workers may expect that by the time a parent has returned to work that he or she must be 'over' their grief. This belief couldn't be farther from the truth. More commonly, just the shock phase is over and the reality of returning to their daily routine and dealing with the loss of their child is the beginning of a process that may take from several months to one or two years. After the shock wears off, a period of disorganization and suffering occurs. As time goes by, the grief work may be more manageable, but for the first few months, trying to cope with every day life is difficult. The anger, fear, depression, sadness and other emotions associated with grief will undoubtedly carry over into one's time at work and may leave co-workers confused about the behavior. Inability to concentrate on their work, the feeling of 'how can others just go about their daily routine when I have just lost my child?', and the fact that trying to do their job seems pointless and meaningless, are aspects of grief that many parents cope with. Simply knowing that parents need time to work out their feelings can help co-workers understand better what the parent is going through. Some ways co-workers can give support and show understanding at the time of the death are: * Acknowledge the loss and that it is a difficult time (hearing the child's name can be music to a parent's ears). One other aspect of grief that is helpful to remember is the 'roller coaster' characteristic. Even after several months or around the anniversary dates of their child?s birth, death or due date, parents may again experience very difficult periods of time. Feelings may be more like early grief reactions. Acknowledgment or a kind word, at this time, is very meaningful to parents. Parents may never get 'over' the death of their child, but do incorporate the experience into their lives. The final stage of grief is when this recovery takes place. They accept the loss, feel better emotionally and can return to enjoying life and looking forward to the future. |
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